The mirror over the sink was fogged up and I did something I would have never done at my own place. I wiped away the steam. I watched as the beads of condensation formed on the surface. Some made small rivers, pooling at the frame, some didn’t.1
I let the tears come while the water washed over me. All the feelings I had shoved aside the night I left came rushing to the surface. The betrayal I felt now, the loneliness through the year and the aching need to find Kale and be near him.2
What stood staring back at me was one very pale-faced girl. My cerulean eyes were bloodshot and puffy, like a marshmallow. With my pasty complexion, my freckles stood out like a zit on prom night.3
Kale didn’t add a blow dryer to the items in the sack, so the ringlet curls of my strawberry blond hair that framed my shocked face would have to stay.4
I was stalling. I was hoping Kale would be gone by the time I was done. I didn’t feel like facing him after the whirlwind tantrum I had thrown. Who knew I would react like that?5
The abrasive, white towel fluttering against my thigh and made me want to change. I had pulled out the clothes Kale had bought before getting into the shower. Now I took a better look and groaned. Again he remembered all the details.6
Kale had thought of everything, except the blow dryer. I found a white V-neck shirt with half sleeves, a pair of size eight hip huggers and one pair of black thongs. Thongs weren’t my style, but I remembered Kale liked them.7
I sighed as I slipped them on. He’d never learn. Movement outside the door made me pause. A heavy sigh from the crack in the door lead me to believe Dugan was still waiting for me at the door.8
I hurried then. If Kale was still waiting for me, then it was best I get out there and deal with him.9
I didn’t normally wear make up or my hair down but I made a quick inspection of my face and then walked out the bathroom door.10
***11
Kale shuffled back to the chair by the curtained window. The breakfast he had brought still lingered on the scarred table. He took a drink of coffee as he heard the water running. The bitter liquid burned his stomach as it sloshed around.12
He would never understand Raisa. She ran hot and cold. One minute she was acting like she didn’t care and then the other she was pissed because he had a relationship with someone else. He snorted in the quiet room and Dugan looked up.13
“Never get into a relationship, boy. It’s nothin’ but trouble,” Kale told the dog.14
A low growl issued forth from a Dugan as he kept guard at the door. 15
Kale leaned forward and rested his elbows on khaki covered knees, hanging his hands loosely. “Look dog, I realize you are attached to that woman in the next room, but take it from me, it’s not worth it. When she gets what she wants she’ll throw you out like day old garbage.”16
Dugan sighed and looked away.17
I should leave, Kale thought to himself. She doesn’t want me here. She doesn’t need me. He hung his head as if it was too hard to hold up. His back ached from the tension of this morning. It felt like someone had reached in between his shoulder blades and twisted.18
Beside the confusing emotions this roller coaster was giving him, longing coursed through him. He could imagine how the water was running over bare limbs, how the soap left trails over her skin. He warred with himself on whether to follow her, to make this right. In the end he continued to sit, clenching his fists.19
Finally, after what felt like hours to Kale, the smell of sandalwood and cinnamon preceded Raisa and Kale held in a groan. It was her smell and one he couldn’t resist.20
Dugan’s ears perked up as the door swung open and he moved aside. Raisa walked out wearing what Kale had bought for her and he stopped breathing. White was her color and the shirt clung to her curves.21
She stood with her old clothes tucked under her arm and it took all his willpower to stay where he was, when all he wanted was to take her in his arms, to feel her warm skin against his. He stayed in the chair, ready to spring. 22
He blurted out what he’d wanted to ask for the past year. What he had tried to ask each time he’d picked up the phone, only to hang up before the first ring. “Raisa, why did you leave?”23
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Poor Dugan I do believe he will soon be locked outside the room.
Morning Brooke, this story is coming along great.
A particular telling section here, you give us a view into what feelings the two characters are experiencing as they consider their hectic relationship.
You pay close attention to details and it gives a feminine feeling to Raisa and rising Testosterone levels to Kale.
Poor Dugan I do believe he will soon be locked outside the room
.
A few things you might look at;
I watched as the beads of condensation form (formed) on the surface.
I had stopped crying
. I let the tears come while the water washed over me. All the feelings I had shoved aside the night I left came crashing to the surface. ( for this paragraph to work it has to start with I hadn’t stopped crying.)
With my pasty complexion, my freckles stood out like a zit on the night on prom.3 (the night of my prom or prom night)
Geri
-
Previously read and commented...and liked it!
-
Another interesting look into our character's personalities and remaining feelings for each other.
I find it ironic that they both still have these feelings for the other but refuse to let them show.
I feel this is setting the scene for something that will happen when the action resumes, as it surely will when they leave the hotel. It will be interesting to see what occurs.
I like Kale's question at the end. He has decided to open the door. Will Raisa accept the invitation? Hmm.
Dugan has become a main character as well, taking the role of her protector. I like him. It will be interesting to see what he does as well when the action returns.
Valkyrie covered the things I noticed.
This chapter gives us another piece to the puzzle as the story unfolds. I look forward to finding what the next piece adds.
It looks like things are about to get interesting.
Nicely done!
Greg
-
Hm. Interesting. Your story is progressing along quite well. If only you'd put this kind of effort toward Sky of Shadows! *ahem* Sorry
No worries on it, I'll finish the next couple of chapters.
Anyway, good chapter piece, Brooke. I like it. I'm interested to see more of what's to come. This is one of my new favorite stories.
-
Nicely done.
Usually romantic scenes dont take my interest as much as crime mysteries or gore.
This developing story line seems to be taken my interest. A few typos along the way as Vakynie has quoted. I'm sure you, as a great writer can fix these up. Another great chapter. It's flowing smoothly.
Julie
-
Damn, this is another fine piece to this story. The two characters really come to life here. They both want each other, but they just can't admit it. So, what began as an action story has morphed into a pseudo-romance. I like it!
The action has slowed down as we've spent a few parts here in this hotel room and with Kale. The first few chapters seemed to move fast and furious. These don't move as fast, but we are getting insights to the characters as you switch between POV's. And there's nothing wrong with that. Once the action picks up, things will have to move fast and furious. Be careful not to let the momentum slip while the reader waits for the action. You can always sprinkle these bits of character into the story later.
Nicely done!
-
Oh, yes!!! This, for some reason, is my favorite section yet! I think it must be the fantastic description. Finally, Kale seems to pop out of the page into three dimensions for me. He's still a dork though.
crashing to the surface.
hmm...usually things crash downward, and rise to surfaces.
my freckles stood out like a zit on the night on prom.
on prom = of prom? Although, I'm pretty sure nights don't get zits. The phrasing seems a bit loose; maybe, "like a zit on my nose on prom night."
Kale didn’t add a blow dryer to the items in the sack, so the ringlet curls of my strawberry blond hair framed my shocked face would have to stay.
hair that framed my shocked face
I was stalling. I was hoping Kale would be gone by the time I was done. I didn’t feel like facing him after the whirlwind tantrum I had thrown. Who knew I would react like that?5
I found a white V-neck shirt with half sleeves, a pair of size eight hip huggers and one pair of black tongs, to go with the lacey black bra I already had. Tongs weren’t my style, but I remembered Kale liked them.
...the heck? A: how did he know she was already wearing a lacey black bra, or did he buy her that just now, too? B: it's thong and thongs, I think you mean there, the butt floss, yes? and C: if he's buying her a thong to wear, how does she not go out and throw herself on him? Oh, and D: what was he thinking, buying her a thong? Distracted-from-mission much? That's affirmative. Hahah!
I made a quick inspecting of my face
inspection
Khaki covered knees
khaki doesn't need to be capitalized; it's also just a color
It felt like someone had reached in between his shoulder blades and twisted.18
Oooh, nice! *stretches back* I so know that feeling.
longing coarsed through him.
coursed
soap left trails over tanned skin.
I thought she was pale and freckled? Those with that skin type usually don't tan well.
his will power to stay where he was. When all he wanted was to take her in his arms, to feel her warm skin against his. He stayed in the chair, ready to spring.
willpower, and a comma after was, to hook the two sentences together. What is Kale ready to spring for? In case Raisa crooks her finger at him? Rawr!
Such a good scene! Yay!
I'm kinda disappointed in the wardrobe choice; it so sets the tone for everything she'll be doing in those clothes, and even though I'm a big fan of the story so far, romances are really not my thing. I hope you keep it original as you continue to write so well on this story. Great job so far!
. Rewarded 8
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
