“Kale?” I whispered. The dog had snuggled in beside me and his warmth gave me comfort. “Kale, I can’t get back to my car. I’m sure they’re watching it.”1
I ran my hands through the dog’s soft fur as I waited for Kale to speak.2
“All right, I’m heading over there now. Where exactly are you?”3
I was not about to crawl out of my hiding spot to check street signs. I tightened my grip on the dog’s neck. “You just drive around Brophy and I’ll find you.”4
A loud sigh brushed my ear through the phone. “Fair enough. See you in a bit.”5
Soft footfalls were heading in my direction. I felt the dog beside me tense and I grabbed him hard at the neck. His head swung back like he was going to nip at me, but stopped before contact. He relaxed a little.6
In the next instant I heard a couple of metal garbage cans being turned over. Who had metal cans this day and age? They were looking for me still.7
A low growl rumbled from the throat of my companion. I wrapped my arm around his neck to quiet the noise. The pre-dawn wasn’t warm and I shivered slightly, but the dog’s warmth against my side gave me comfort.8
I could hear the gasping breath of my shooter and smelled the dry dirt that his or her footfalls stirred up. On the same line of thinking, my breathing sounded loud in my ears and I tried to take a deep soothing breath. 9
I’m an avid reader, but I had never understood when in books they’d write ‘my heart beat like the blows of a blacksmith's anvil’ or other such dribble. I knew now. I just knew, whoever was searching for me could hear it.10
I wanted this over. I was tired of being chased and I was tired of not knowing what was going on. Besides, my legs were cramping. If I didn’t leave soon, my legs would slowly go numb.11
A gate opened just beside my hiding spot and I buried my head in the dog's fur. I know it’s the coward’s way, but I didn’t want to see this person. I remember being little and hiding behind my hands. I just knew no one could see me. It wasn’t true then and it wasn’t true now, but I did it anyways, willing the person away.12
I felt the dog tense its hind muscles, but I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. One minute he was at my side, the next he was jumping on the man that had been shooting at me. At least I assumed it was the same man. He was holding the same sort of gun near his thigh.13
I watched as the dog jumped on its hindquarters and planted its huge paw on the man’s chest, covering it. Through brown back legs I noticed the man wore black pants and sneakers. As the shooter went down the night's silence was broken with a loud grunt.14
The dog was snapping at the man’s face and the shooter was trying to use the gun to keep the dog's teeth from him. The man’s black stocking hat slipped off his balding head and the street lights reflected off of it.15
This was my chance. Here was my chance to run, to escape. I hoped he was alone. Instead of running I groped around behind me. My damp hand fell across something hard. Bringing it closer to the light, I found it was a sizeable rock.16
The man and dog were still in their strange dance, when I made my way behind the man. I balanced the rock in one hand above my head. I brought it down with all my strength. Either I was stronger or the adrenalin gave me strength, because I knocked him clean out.17
I stood, mouth open, probably drooling, staring at what I had just done. I had a sick feeling floating in my stomach and my hands began to shake. I doubled over and threw up the bile that had been, until recently, doing its job in my tummy.18
A warm, wet tongue licked my cheek and my vision stopped dancing long enough to see the dog was trying to get my attention. It was now the time to run. I just hoped Kale was somewhere near.19
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It's good; that's a very friendly dog there, running with her and protecting her. I kind of expected the dog to bark or the gunman to say or grunt something when they were tussling. Maybe I had my story on mute there.
This part was much shorter; I hope when mister my-name-is-a-vegetable shows up, he's at least useful. So far he doesn't seem worthy of your heroine, whom I absolutely love. Your work on her is super.
Let's see:
snuggled in beside and his warmth
missing "me"?
my breathing sounded loud in my ears and I tried to take a deep soothing breath. This was to quiet my hammering heart also.
The last sentence there sounds like a last minute add-on, maybe you could work it into the previous sentence
I knew now, and I just knew, whoever was searching for me could hear it
that's a lot of knowing for one sentence
Besides my legs were cramping. If I didn’t leave soon my legs would slowly go numb.
A comma after "Besides" and one after "soon" would make it flow better to my ears
I did it anyways willing the person away.12
anyway, and a comma after anyway
He was holding the same sort of gun near his thigh.
Always a good way to identify people!
Through brown back legs I noticed the man wore more black on his pants and sneakers.
The description of his clothes sounds like black is splashed on him somehow. If the "on his" is taken out, it has a different meaning; I'm not sure which one you are going for.
to keep the teeth from him. His black stocking hat slipped off the man’s balding head and the street lights reflected off of it.
the (dog's) teeth, right? And in the other sentence, putting "the man" in the middle instead of at the beginning kind of hints that the stocking hat doesn't actually belong to the gunman, but to someone else, perhaps the dog! I'm pretty sure you don't mean that, though.
Bringing it closer to the light I found it was a sizeable rock.16
I think a comma after light; it'll separate the two clauses, dependent from independent.
The man and dog were still in their strange dance,
I so saw this in my head! A great way to describe it!
I was stronger then I thought or the adrenalin gave me strength because I knocked him clean out.
than, instead of then. This is a run-on sentence, too, as it is.
I stood, mouth open probably drooling, staring at what I had just done. I had a sick feeling floating in my stomach and my hands began to shake. I doubled over and threw up the bile that had been, until recently, doing its job in my tummy.18
HAHAHA!! I always love it when my bile does its job too...
I think another comma after "open" there at the first bit.
Raisa's not one for personal violence, then, is she. Poor girl.
Another good installment. I'm off to the next!. Rewarded 8
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Ok *wipes brow* have done those requested fixes and thank you again for looking through this and taking the time to do such a thorough critique.
Off to the next one
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Nice portrayal of fear, caring and action in this scene; and by tossing in just a touch of humor it all seemed to be taking place before my eyes.
I do so enjoy that feeling of being there–you kept this single character’s plight (oops
sorry I forgot the dog) interesting.
This tale is coming along great.
You might take a look at these:
I’m an avid reader, but I had never understood then (when) in books they’d write ‘my heart beat like the blows of a blacksmith (blacksmith’s) anvil’ or other such dribble. I knew now (,) and I just knew(,) whoever was searching for me could heat (hear) it.
A gate opened just before (in front or above) my hiding spot and I buried my head in the dogs (dog’s) fur.
At least I assumed it was the same man. He was holding some (the same)sort of gun near his thigh.
Geri
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Ha geri, thanks for stopping by and reading and I'm glad you are finding it interesting. I am having fun writing this.
Thanks for finding those and have now been fixed.
Again thanks
Brooke
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So much action! I liked this part, actually - the dog seems like a sweety, and very intelligent, too. You have a lot of great sensory details in this part - I like that a lot, too (you know I do!). It was short, so I don't have a whole lot of comments this time. Hopefully they're still helpful.
Notes:
* Para 5: You should use a period and not a comma before "Fair enough." Incidently, a friend of mine pointed out just yesterday that I say fair enough on a very regular basis - I think he called it my tagline.
* Para 10: "I had never understood then in books they'd write" - do you mean when instead of then? This doesn't make a lot of sense, as is. Also, I'm pretty sure that she's worried about the villain hearing her heartbeat and not heating it.
* Para 17: No sickening thud sound?
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Thanks for finding those little typos.
Tagline huh? I wonder if I use something over and over again. I noticed in a series of books I read that the author always makes the woman smell like roses. I don't know about you but most ppl don't smell like roses.
Nope, No sickening thud, but I'm reconsidering it since you brought it up.
Again thanks for reading.
Brooke
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Great Story
I'm glad the dog came to the rescue and survived. Another intense read. I'm going to be reading the next part soon.
Julie
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Thanks for stopping by and reading. Sorry it took so long to get back to you.
Glad you enjoyed it.
Brooke
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Phil's covered everything I noticed.
Another intense chapter here. She seems to have finally caught a break with her furry companion's help. Once again dog proves to be 'woman's' best friend. *chuckles* But will Kale arrive before someone else shows up?
Great story so far.
Let's see what happens next.
Greg
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I'm going to slip in a bit of supernatural in the next sections. The 'dog' is a were-dog.
I can't wait to write the next part, but am still planning it out.
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A werewolve, ..uh, ..were-dog? What's that? A dog that turns into a wolve? Hmm. I'm confused.
Either way it sounds like things will get even more interesting now.
Can't wait to see how this works. lol
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'graph 4: I tighten(ed) my grip
'graph 5: "(F)air enough.
'graph 8: The pre-dawn wasn't war(m)
'graph 9: grasping or gasping breath?
'graph 9: On the same line of thinking(,)
'graph 9: I tried to take (a) deep soothing breath.
'graph 14: the man wore more black on pants and black sneakers. --> this is confusing...the word "on" throws it off here.
'graph 19: (A) warm, wet tongue licked my cheek
You were a little repetitive with the word "man" in the last few paragraphs of this story. Try switching it up a bit.
Another suspense-filled chapter! I'm liking the dog...he reminds me of my Rico.
Keep writing this. I'm digging this story so far, and I'm excited to see where it goes from here!
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If I wasn't so excited to post these stories I wouldn't have so many typos. I should really look over (not just use spell check). Thanks again and again for finding all my missed finger motions.
And I am glad you are still interested.
Brooke -
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I'm the same way. I'll finish a piece after writing an unedited 1st draft and want to post it so quick I can't hardly stand it! After posting, I'll go back and re-read it online and notice my errors. It's not how I usually edit, but it works when I'm wanting to get something posted quickly!
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