I made it home. As I slid my key in the lock I instantly felt better. It was like a flannel blanket had been thrown around my shoulders. Warmth, security and safety surrounded me. My apartment door opened about the time my cell phone rang. Sunsaray was calling.1
“I was just getting ready to call you.” I said before she even said hello. “The scene was compromised. I’ve got a turkey baster full of the victims blood, brain matter in a cup and the police looking for my car.”2
“I know. I heard over the police scanner.” Sunsaray’s smooth voice broadcasted through the phone.3
I now let myself panic. I barely got the door shut before I started pacing through the kitchen. “What am I to do? I’ve never had this come up. How could this have happened?” I asked, my voice raising.4
Silence answered me.5
“Sunsaray? Sunsaray, what am I to do?” I asked again, trying to keep the desperation out of my voice.6
Sunsaray sighed heavily before replying, “Calm down, Raisa. Standard procedure requires that you seek a safe house.”7
I heard paper being shuffled. Sunsaray wasn’t use to using a computer yet. “The closest one is on Brophy, 610 Brophy Way.”8
“Thanks, Sunsaray.” Relief tingled up my spine.9
“I’ll keep my eyes to the ground, “ she chuckled. This used to be our joke, it wasn’t funny anymore and Sunsaray’s laughed faded off.10
“You do that.” I hung up without saying goodbye.11
In training they had advised having a bag packed for emergency. I kept one in my closet and car. It was one of the lessons I did remember, but barely.12
Forgoing the one in my closet, I grabbed my keys and headed back out. The hall and elevator passed without my notice, with the smell of lemon and sweat in the background of my brain. My lip was getting raw from all the chewing on it. All I needed to do was get to the safe house, lie low and wait it out. I couldn’t get there fast enough. It was like the getaway from the penthouse.13
Outside I circled my Toyota. Nothing about it had changed, but I paced around it looking for something out of place. Thoughts of the police standing behind the car writing the license number down and imagines of him calling it in, knowing my address, dispatching a car to my apartment, filled me with fear.14
The longer I stayed here, debating on the safety of my apartment the closer the cops would be.15
I could no longer torture myself and I jumped in. The road ahead was bumpy, slightly dangerous and I trembled as I hit the gas. It felt as if no place was safe for me at this moment. 16
Sunsaray said she would monitor the police radio and let me know when or if something happened. Sunsaray hadn’t called so the tension eased a bit between my shoulder blades.17
Having control over a stronger beast then myself, the car, I continued to get control of myself. The soft hum of the tires underneath me soothed the rest of my tension. Gripping the wheel of the metal beast, I felt in control of myself, wholly, in control of my surroundings, of what my future held.18
Tenth and Brophy neared and I slowed down to take the corner. The hard plastic molded with my fingers as I smoothly rounded the pavement. Cars of all make and model bordered the tree-lined street. A sense of peace and belonging flowed over my body, making the air easier to breathe. My grip on the wheel lessened and I stretched my fingers out, releasing the stress of the night. I counted the house numbers. The closer I got the safer I felt. Not that I thought I was completely hidden from the law, but the frown I had placed on my face smoothed out.19
The street stretched out before me and my Toyota ate up the blacktop. Block after block passed without incident. The six hundred block snuck up on me and I slowed with a jerk.20
Rolling my head back to release the stress, I watched the numbers pass by. I braked hard as I neared six hundred and ten. Two nondescript white vans were parked nose to ass across the street. Dark glass glared back at me as I drove by. Something felt wrong to me. Something was out of place.21
If I had been an animal the air would have smelled different, the vibration would have been off and the hairs would have stood up on end and bent over backwards on my arms and neck, but I was human and the only indication was my gut clenching.22
I drove on past and parked two drives down. I squeezed in between two late model Fords.23
I quickly walked up to the house. It looked like every other one on the block - cute little ranch style house with pansies bordering the walk. On the horizon a faint pink peeked through the houses. Dawn was close.24
Still the not-right feeling pricked at the back of my mind. I stood at the steps in front of the door and listened. With everything that had happened this day I was not going to walk into any more danger if I didn’t have to.25
I could hear voices coming from within. I couldn’t understand what was being said. Shadows danced behind the closed curtains. Suddenly a woman’s voice yelled "No!" Fear and panic filled that one word.26
Muffled shots broke the peaceful early morning. Birds took wing and the neighborhood dogs set about barking.27
I involuntarily let out a cry, loud enough for the occupants to hear. I turned to run as the door was thrown open. I sprinted down the walk and hopped over the pansy border. Bullets raced by my head and it took all I had not to lay down and surrender. I’d never been so afraid. The chase at the penthouse was nothing compared to this.28
A burning sensation seared my upper arm and I hissed in pain. I’d been hit. I continued to run and cut through someone’s backyard, heading for the alley behind the yard. I could hear the yells from my pursuers.29
Movement on my right made my glance that way. An enormous russet-brown dog ran along side me. I stopped, thinking it was going to attack and I readied myself, but it stopped with me. The dog just sat down with its pink tongue hanging off to the side.30
My would-be killers were still after me and since the dog didn’t attack I stared running again. The dog followed close beside me. Somehow it comforted me.31
I cut through three more yards with the animal loping with my pace. I needed to find a place to hide and to call someone. Garbage cans lined the alleys and shadows inched out into the middle of the crowded lane. I searched frantically for someplace deep and dark enough to catch my breath and wait for my pursuers to give up.32
Just then I tripped and hit the dirt hard, knocking the wind out of me. I lay there breathing hard for a moment or two. I sneezed as I sucked in dust. Grit filled my mouth and I spit mud to clear my throat. 33
Off to my left, nestled between a mature lilac bush and a tall wooden fence, was a hidey-hole. If I hadn’t fell I would have never seen it. Fate was on my side again this morning. I had found my hiding spot.34
I dialed Sunsaray first. I was breathing hard and trying to mask it. The connection went right to voice mail. “Sunsaray, the safe house has been breached. I don’t know what else to do but to call Kale. I hope the Gods are kind.”35
The phone rang in my ear and the echo in between was deafening. I could feel the rejection and betrayal before Kale even picked up. When he did pick up it sounded like he dropped the phone twice before it made it to his ear, and then a muffled hello.36
I hesitated. There was no cliché lump in my throat, there was bowling ball caught there. The ball was holding up my ability to talk. When I heard his voice no sound came forth.37
“Hello?” Kale asked, clearer this time. 38
Still I couldn’t talk. I could hardly breathe. Here I was sitting in the gray of dawn, running from the police and my safe haven was no longer safe and I couldn’t talk to the one person I knew would help. The one person I had called.39
“Raisa? Raisa, I’m going to hang up now.”40
“No!” I screamed, my hand shook as I held the phone to my ear. 41
“Wow! Raisa, what’s going on?” he asked.42
It all came out in a rush. It was like a faucet had been turned on and my night came running out and swirled down the drain.43
“Which safe house?” He asked after I had finished.44
“The one on Brophy.” I answered quietly.45
“Ok, I’ll call 911, while you head over here. We’ll figure out what to do then.”
Author notes
Liked this part, but wondering if I didn't give enough description.
Edited 7/27, thanks Abstract Muse
August 28th, thanks Val
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
I'm sure enjoying this story. Each section is like a burst of action to my inner eye; your writing is colorful and it moves along very smoothly. It seems so much has happened, and the sun still isn't up! I like me this action-packed-ness.
I was a bit distracted on the second sentence by "As soon" and "instantly"; it seemed repetitive.
scene was comprised.
compromised
replying, “calm down, Raisa.
Calm needs a capital C.
I hear paper being shuffled.
got a present tense verb in your past tense story
“Thanks Sunsaray.”
comma after thanks?
This use to be our joke,
s/b used
Outside I circled my Toyota. Nothing about it had changed, but I paced around it looking for something out of place.
What a good idea...
The road a head was bumpy,
ahead
The soft hum of the tires underneath me soothed the rest of tension.
rest of the tension? my tension? It sounds like a word got left out.
I smoothly rounded the pavement.
it sounds like she's building a curb, rather than turning a corner.
making the air easier to breath.
breathe
but the frown I had place on my face smoothed out.
placed
The street stretched out before me and my Toyota ate up the blacktop. Block after block passed without incident. The six hundred block snuck up on me and I slowed with a jerk.20
I've so done that. You described it pretty accurately, that snap back to the moment.
Rolling my head back to release the stress I watched the numbers pass by.
I think a comma after stress
I quickly walked up to the house. It looked like every other one on the block-cute little ranch style house with pansy’s bordering the walk.
your hyphen in block-cute is really supposed to be a dash, right? And pansy's = pansies
I was not going to walk into any more danger if I didn’t have too.25
have to.
I could hear voices coming from with in.
within
Suddenly a woman’s voice yelled No! Fear and panic filled that one word.
No! would look better in quotes, I think.
I involuntarily let out a squeak, loud enough for the occupants to hear.
Maybe just me, but "squeak" doesn't get loud enough in my head for occupants of a house to hear it.
An enormous russet brown dog ran a long side me.
russet-brown, and alongside
The dog just sat sown with its pink tongue banging off to the side like it was giving me a lopsided grin.
sown = down, banging might be hanging, although banging is an amusing image. Also, the "like it was giving me a lopsided grin" seems repetitive. You've already described the dog well enough for me to see its face.
the animal looping with my pace.
loping?
I searched franticly for some place
frantically, and someplace
Just then I tripped and hit the dirt hard, knocking the wind out of me. I lay there breathing hard for a moment or two. I sneezed as I sucked in dust. Grit filled my mouth and I spit mud to clear my throat.
Mmmm, mud. I practically felt the grit grind in my teeth, there.
Off to my left, nestled between a mature lilac bush and a tall wooden fence was a hidey-hole. If I haven’t fell I would have never seen it.
Your independent clause in the first sentence is "Off to my left was a hidey-hole." When you stick in the dependent clause "nestled...fence", you either need commas on both ends of it, or no commas at all. The second sentence has a funny verb in it there; I think what you need is "If I hadn't fallen".
I hope the Gods are kind.”
Ooh, is that a code? I may be overthinking your tale, but I so love it!
I hesitated. There was no cliché lump in my throat, there was bowling ball caught there. The ball was holding up my ability to talk.
Here I could use just a wee bit more of your wonderful description. I'm not sure at all why she can't speak; is it physical, from running away and catching her breath? Emotional, because of Kale? Both?
“Hello?” Kale asked clearer this time.
comma after asked
I could hardly breath.
Breathe
“Wow! Raisa, what’s going on?” He asked.
he doesn't need a capital H. Also, how did he know it was her? Her number showed up on his phone, I guess. The inability to speak on her part didn't flow very well for me in this area of the story.
“The one on Brophy.” I answered quietly.
I liked how you had her be quiet, after spilling out all the details so far.
Is next: more of Raisa's story! Yay! Thanks for writing this one; I'm sure enjoying it!
-
-
Typos fixed!!!! Thanks again for reading
-
-
Intense
I didn't realise I hadn't read this part before ch2 part 2. I'm glad I finally got around to it.I wasn't sure if there was any typos, I was too in the zone of the story. I guess Irish Yndina helped you out with any typos.
Julie
-
-
Thanks Julie for reading this and sorry it took so long to get back to you. Told you a was bad at it
Again thanks
Brooke
-
-
Wow, this is certainly a high-adrenaline story! There are people dying and running and all kinds of things happening. I'll bet you're having twelve kinds of fun writing it!
I like your names, by the way - not sure if I've said that before. Anyways, I smell subterfuge and I can't wait to see where it's coming from! *giggles*
Notes:
* I don't remember seeing this as a problem in your other pieces, but your dialogue punctuation isn't right here. For instance, in para 2 you should have a comma instead of a period after "call you." You'll want to go through and check the rest of your dialogue punctuation at some point.
* Para 2: "The scene was comprised" - I think you mean compromised. Also, "victim's blood" needs that possessive apostrophe.
* Para 8: "Sunsaray wasn't use to using" - I think it should be "used to using," but I could be wrong.
* Para 16: "ahead" is one word, dear.
* Para 18: "stronger beast then myself" - then should be than, since it's a comparison. I also wonder if "the car" would be better served in parantheses. Just a thought...
* Para 19: "but the frown I had..." I don't think you need the word "but" in this.
* Para 24: "pansy's" should be "pansies." Or Viola spp., but let's not descend to nerdiness, shall we? *laughs*
* Para 31: "I stared running again" - started running would probably be more accurate.
* Para 32: "the animal looping with my pace" - do you mean loping?
* Para 46: I don't think you need the comma after 911.
-
This plot is building beautifully
Good chapter Brooke.
This was one of those parts in a mystery that is so full of action you want to keep reading and reading and then want more
.
This plot is building beautifully; your Raisa character is becoming an acquaintance the reader is familiar with and worries about.
For some reason I believe Raisa has put her faith, and maybe her life in the hands of the wrong person. Don’t tell me I will have to wait and ‘read’.
The week caught up too quickly, I didn’t have time to edit but it looks like both Token and Phil did a fine job for you
.
I look forward to following this novel.
Geri.
-
'graph 7: "(C)alm down, Raisa.
'graph 16: The road (ahead) was bumpy,
'graph 19: easier to breath(e).
'graph 19: the frown I had place(d) on my face
'graph 37: there was (a) bowling ball caught there.
'graph 39: I could hardly breath(e).
Another good chapter here. Yes, more questions arise. What happened at the safe house? Who was killed? Hopefully not Sunsaray? Tense with suspense! Loved it!
Now, one question, if she was running from pursuers, why would she make a call and not try to be silent as they went by? That was a bit confusing for me. But, other than that, this was fantastic! Keep it going!
-
Ok, some things to look at.
p13. It 'was' like the 'getaway'(one word)...
p19. Cars of all 'make' and model...
p23. ..parked 'two' drives...
p30. ..I 'readied' myself...(sentence is in past tense)
p37. The 'thing'(?) was holding...
Another tense active chapter here. Good descriptions to let the reader 'see' the story.
It seems like someone is staying one step ahead of Raisa or maybe someone has turned on her. Sunsaray seems the most likely suspect if it is a betrayal.
Many questions brought up here. What are the vans parked across from the house? Who was already there fighting? Why is Sunsarays phone off after sending Raisa to the 'safehouse'?
Kale's last comment opens two more questions. How is Raisa suppose to get there? She's shot and left her car behind running from her shooter who may still be looking for her. And how can they call 911 if they are a criminal outfit themselves? Or are they? Hmm.
Interesting chapter here. I like how the story is unfolding and I like Raisa's character.
Nice work. You've got me hooked now. lol
Let's see what happens next.
Greg
-
-
Hmmm...one van belongs to the killers inside and the other, now I hadn't even gotten that far. I was thinking, just now, that maybe is was another 'agency' watching the safe house, but I'm not sure.
Kale will make an anonimous (sp?) call to the police, but you've made a point about Raisa getting there. Will have to correct that.
Thanks for finding all those typos. Not as many as usual. Maybe I'm becoming a better typist.
Again thanks
Brooke
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
