ABUSING MILES
1.
He who lives in the memory1
A walking ghost, never at night2
Leaves his markings of release3
Both pleasant and in fright4
Only inside my mind5
Did my fragile hope stay clear6
For eyelids shut, no screaming7
I live inside his fear8
***9
I would not say that my life was a haven for the proper.10
I lived in a shallow hole lost in transitions of the person I tried to be when Sydney took his lust in me, literally dragging every essence of love and trust from within me to paint me a picture of torturous situations in which he expected for all my life.11
What a lie blatant and true, Sydney was nothing but a common criminal mated with the personality of a mongrel, vicious and vile nothing but a degradation of society and an open mental scar on my body, inside my soul. My whole demeaning existence revolved around Sydney taking his so-called- love out of me.12
Though these days I was beginning to learn methods which made his beatings, his pounding of selfish sacrifices in the name of my late mother, his pointless tormented strikes of stimulation to fill the needs and hunger he could not restrain now that my mother was gone.13
I was the rag doll replacement, the mold in which Sydney could grasp between his fingertips and manipulate to his advantage. I was the love he needed and the only thing that could and would keep him alive for my mothers sake even though deep down where it counted, in a place he could not touch and abuse I wished he was six feet under deep in the spoiled dirt of death, cemented in place so that he could never lay a finger on me ever again, and then and only then would I be safe.14
He was not my father no not at all just a man who had taken the life from my mother without a single touch. A man who had claimed ownership over me completely; sexually and physically in written form, written on a certificate that he distastefully and arrogantly hung on my bedroom wall; a constant reminder that he was the boss now and forever.15
Always the lord, the captain, the father figure he wished he could be, but to me he would always be Sydney. Sydney the creep, the molester, the rapist, the monster and beast that kept me hidden under the blankets in the darkness of my room constantly wondering when on earth I was going to be free of this situation.16
I hated Sydney, but I loved him just the same for despite all the pain and suffering in a state of violation he was all that I had to keep me alive and when I shut my eyes and blanked myself into a different world I could almost see paradise and freedom on the horizon. In the tsunami of tragedy that had already washed away my dreams.17
Sydney might of owned me, but you cannot own something that is not all there to begin with.
Author notes
I wrote a poem for it at the beginning so I hope it goes well with the story.
I listen to a song called "The Abuse of Sid - by the band Hurt"
and I decided to write a little story.
Part one of Three
Any spelling, grammar, errors let me know that be great I am horrible with spotting them .
[OPTION ONE- although I am not sure in everyones eyes it was written well but I think to me it is written well]
Feedback please
Thanks you so much
Blair !~
In a list
A contest entry
- Choices! by Writing0Freedom.
825 points, ended August 12, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
If you read..Please comment.. honest feedback !!
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Damn! This was so full of emotion and energy! I loved every word of it. Well done.
-Sabrina -
Oh, wow, this was really good! It was very emotional and deep. Very good start to something great! Enjoyed it alot!
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Oh, wow. The emotion in this piece is what captured my attention. So strong. So raw. So true. I have a feeling you will go far with this piece. I enjoyed reading.
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This is a challenging write...
has a lot of possibilities for strong insights...good work so far.
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Paragraph 11: I would start a new sentence at, "lust in me, literally." If not, you've got a bit of a run-on going. In the last bit here, I'm not sure if I understand you. I can follow along until we get to, "he expected for all my life." It almost sounds like "expected" should be 'intended'. Try rewording this maybe?
Paragraph 12: "What a lie, blatant and true." I would end the sentence here and transpose it with what would be the following sentence. It seems a little out of place at the start of the paragraph.
Paragraph 13: "Though these past days I was beginning to learn methods which made his beatings," You start with this but never end it after your little side-track.
-Overall-
I liked this, you did amazingly well with the descriptions and all. As far as the story itself goes, it was remarkable. Other than what I've mentioned there were a couple of places where commas and periods were needed. If it's something you want pointed out, just let me know.
Nice write!!
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Wow Wow Wow!
That.
Was.
Amazing!
Wow. Your imagery in this story (and the opening poem) were just fantastic. Not only did you keep me hooked, but you made me mesmerized too, by the way you expressed things, the emotions you displayed and the descriptions were just extraordinary. It was a heartbreaking and beautiful read. I look forward to reading more. I loved it! Stupendous job here, good luck in the contest and keep it up
~*Princess*~
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wow. its incredibly symbolic all the way through. tragic and amazing all the way through. good job.
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Wow, this is really sad and written well with a lot of emotion and pain. I hope its not true. You really described their character well, he sounds awful. I really like the very last line and the idea of a rag doll replacement. I thought those were beautiful and really strong. I thought it some places it dipped a bit in strength but other than that it was really good. Some of the language was a tiny bit confusing, but readable. I am curious what was meant by the guy taking the life from the mother because that wasn't really expanded on it. Nevertheless, this is really powerful, and the way you write about the abuse is strong. Thanks for Entering!
WritingFree -
Wow. I love the ending lines
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Good!
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Deep roller coaster of tourment...
Wow, I must say this started out hard and rough and kept building. I am writing a short story titled S T O L E N with the same undertone in it. You really pushed the "mind freak button" towards the end.
I think you're off to a good start. Don't lose the momentum! Push the reader over the edge on the next chapter then crank up the bite on the third!
Bravo!
~Jonathon~
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wow, this was VERY good. check a little punctuation with commas, and you've got it pretty perfect. it was a lovely touch, starting with a poem and moving on into a story which told what happened so simply, so effectively, and so sadly. a beautiful piece of work, packed with emotion and sympathy for the girl, and i loved the certificate giving 'ownership' to her father... what a wonderful touch. thank you so much for such an excellent read and i look forward to reading more!
. Rewarded 8
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This is one of the best things I have read on this website. This is very well done. Not just the story, but the way that it was written. You have true talent, and I look forward to reading your other material.
. Rewarded 4
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This was a good first part of the story. I think it's a good intro and I will most definitely be reading parts 2 and 3 as soon as possible...they're bound to be just as amazing as this one is.
Keep up the great work, Blair. I haven't read one story of yours that I didn't like at least some. Your stories are always either smart, hot, cool, creepy weird or emotional...all of which are good genres for me. -
Amazing!
Wow... that was breathtaking. It was beautifully written and it flowed really well and I enjoyed reading it. :]
It was very deep and striking, and I'm looking forward to reading the other two parts and I am going to do so now.
. Rewarded 4
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My God
Blair, this was so deep and it left me with a sense of sadness. I feel for this character, but it think It's rather funny because I have just created a story of a girl int he same predicament, only, she isn't the main character. Great minds think alike, I suppose. Nonetheless, this leaves me with great meaning. of course, I do agree with eyeambaldman when it comes to her need for Sydney. It's a bit strange. Nonetheless, I can't wait to read the next part.
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'graph 14: deep down (where) it counted
'graph 17: Why would the main character, who detests this man, need him to keep her alive? I would think it would be the other way around.
The language of this piece is impeccable. One of your strongest pieces, I think. Very cool use of imagery. For now, you're just telling us her feelings...we're kinda still waiting for an actual story to break out! Let's see what happens in the next piece....
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Very well written, emotional and heartbreaking. The poem in the beginng brought everything togeather and caused a wonderful flow through the whole story.
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Whoa
Every line brought more to light on this situation and made it seem that there was some very twisted views from this relationship. I liked the way that you wrote this and the poem before it... it set the story in a big way.
DarkOne
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oooh! Very emotional, I could feel the pain in every word. I felt so sorry for Miles, he (or she?) has suffered so much in this time and I just love how she has still tries to cling to herself amongst all the horror.
Well done, can't wait to read more of this
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