The bedroom didn’t have windows on the street side, so I ran out to the living room to the floor to ceiling windows. From there I looked to the street. Even before I saw the ground, the red of the lights bounced off the front of the building facing the penthouse. It reminded me of the time I had driven by a car crash on the highway. The reds and blues blended together as the shadows danced in a macabre dance with strobe lights.1
I froze. Never had I been faced with this situation. I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I have stayed and explained? Or hide and hope they don’t find me?2
My best bet was to run, but run in a penthouse? Where would I run?3
I remembered a maintained garden patio off the dining room. This was placed so that dinner guests could soak up the skyline and appreciate the city below. 4
I sprinted back to the bathroom to retrieve my BOT and hoped I hadn’t left anything of importance behind. 5
When I opened the French doors my breath caught in my throat. It was amazing. Tall orange and lemon trees reached up to the skyline. The sun was just breaking and the rays highlighted the mature leaves a bright jungle green.6
Below these fruit trees were Persian blue butterfly bushes. The blooms touched the lowest limbs and swayed in the light breeze. Path of pea rocks meandered between well-tended flowerbeds. A riot of colors assaulted my eyes even in the gray of dawn. I could hear the laughter of a fountain off to my left as I jogged down the middle path.7
When I felt I was far enough from the penthouse, I crouched down behind a magenta butterfly bush to wait it out. I couldn’t understand who had called the police early. I should have had two or three hours until the cook or maid showed up for work. It would be hours before the police left and hiding from them would seriously stress me out.8
The bush I was hiding behind gave off a light sweet fragrance that reminded me of simpler times. Outside my parents’ home, we had a similar bush. I remember sitting with mom watching the butterflies land and take off.9
I shook off the memory and peered through the leggy limbs. Movement near the window caught my attention and I watched as a uniformed officer slid open the privacy curtain I had closed when I first entered the place. I thought it odd that a lowly beat cop would mess with a crime scene, but I had no time to wonder. He was moving through the apartment. I watched as his shadow moved across the bay windows towards the hall.10
I waited a moment before heading further into the garden. My path ended at a small grotto and I had to push my way through miniature willow trees, artfully pruned to give shade at the edge of the pond.11
I did realize that the further I made my way in the garden the closer I was getting to the edge of the penthouse building. What I was going to do when I got there, I had no idea.12
I did make it to the edge of the garden and was looking for a way down, when my cell phone rang. That was very rude of it at that moment. I was peering through the hedges that border the garden when it happened. I held my breath and quickly turned it off. I didn’t even look at the number. I couldn’t imagine who it would be, but thought it was another job, since it was still late or early, depending on who you talked with.13
I pleaded to the Almighty above that the man inside hadn’t heard the phone ring. ‘I’m a Bitch’ wasn’t a tone you could ignore. I stood listening for yells or footfalls.14
After a couple of minutes I started to take a deep breath of relief when I heard the door open. I froze. I started gasping for breath. My heart rapidly beat in my chest as beads of sweat formed under my hairline. The plastic suit chafed against my bare arms.15
Below me, hanging off the building, was a flimsy drainpipe leading to the floor beneath the penthouse. The opening hooked into the drainage hole under a mature hedge. It looked like a bendy straw reaching down in a cup. I squeezed it and felt it give. This was not my best plan, but the only one I could come up with in this critical time.16
I slung my BOTS over one shoulder and proceeded to get a firm grip on the pipe. I felt it sway as I put my whole weight on the first rung holding it to the wall. I held my breath as I slipped down, hand over hand. My palms were sweaty under the latex gloves and it made my grip unstable. It was hard to hold on with my knees in the suit but I managed to make it to the apartment below.17
My legs were unsteady on the ledge, but I was determined to escape. Two doves cooed on the windowsill as I approached and they took flight when I got close.18
The room beyond was dark. The occupants were obviously still asleep. With gloves still on I pressed my hands flat on the glass and pushed up. I had figured being this high up with a doorman, people would be lax on security. The window slid soundlessly up.19
When there was enough room I wiggled my way in. I landed face down as quietly as I could, but still made a light thud. It was a good thing the tenants hadn’t put anything in front of the window or there would have been a bigger crash.20
The apartment was clean and the furniture simple. I scooted my way around a floral print sofa and the glow of the massive fish aquarium.21
I almost stopped to admire the tank. The vibrantly colored fish darted in and around rock formations, with anemones and sea grass swayed with the current. I took this in at a glance as I continued to make my way to the other side of the room. In a matter of minutes I was down the hall and out the door.22
I made it to the elevators, passing three other quiet doors and a variety of potted plants. My feet were silent on the patterned carpet.23
In the elevator I quickly tore off my suit and thought about how I was going to get by the doorman. I hoped luck was with me and he had accompanied the cop up to the penthouse.24
I needed to get to my car. Only then would I feel safe enough to call Sunsaray and report. I bounced on the balls of my feet as I silently willed the lighted number’s to move faster.25
I decided that going out the front door was a bad idea. There was a hole in the bottom of my stomach. I knew I was getting anxious. I kept biting my cheek to keep from yelling at the elevator.26
I couldn’t stop the car from opening the doors at the lobby, the button had already been pushed, but I hit the Parking button anyways. That was where I needed to get off. I could sneak around, using the shadows and hopefully leave the parking garage undetected. At least that was the plan. In training I had never paid attention to escape plans. I didn’t think I would ever need them.27
Now I needed them. I raced through my memory for relative scenarios and all I could come up with was staying to the shadows or play like I belonged in the building. The second scene didn’t sound so bad. If I looked liked I belonged then I would only be looked over briefly.28
I decided my best bet would be to stick to the shadows until that was no longer feasible. Then act like I was on my way to an early morning meeting or trip.29
The lighted numbers approached one rapidly as I studied the interior of the elevator. Like all elevators, this one had four walls, a ceiling and a floor. Buttons dominated on the right side of the door wall. A sign reading the weight capacity was on the left. Above me was the escape hatch or emergency door. When the elevator stopped at the lobby I would have to hide myself. The escape hatch was the logical choice, but it was also the obvious one. I just hope the doorman wasn’t very curious. 30
As the old saying goes ‘Curiosity killed the cat’, I’m afraid that’s what would happen if the doorman got too nosey. Killing wasn’t my thing, but I was trained for it if it came down to it. So far I’d never had to resort to violence, but there’s a first time for everything.31
As the light passed between floors one and two I leaped up pushing the hatch over. Once that was done I threw my BOTS through the hole, then wiggled through yet another tight space.32
I heard the bell ring as I noiselessly slid the hatch door back into place and held my breath as the twin doors opened. I realized I’d been holding my breath a lot tonight. Sweat ran between my shoulder blades and I wanted to rub up against the elevator shaft to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling.33
I hadn’t shut the hatch door completely, so I had a thin sliver of light to peek through. I watched as the inexperienced doorman shakily searched the elevator car with gun drawn. In all the ‘closing’ I’d done I’d never met a doorman that carried a gun. Jot this down as my first.34
It wasn’t like anyone could really hide in an elevator car, but he was thorough. He checked every corner and then checked them again, as if someone would magically appear. He seemed to be satisfied and showed it by tipping his navy blue hat to the car and strolling away. 35
When the door closed behind him I noticed myself getting lightheaded and took a breath. I would have laughed out loud if I had thought no one would have heard me.36
I landed softly after having thrown my BOT to the floor. The vials were insulated, so there was no chance of breakage. Again, I was on the balls of my feet, waiting.37
It was an eternity before the doors opened at the Parking level. With a quick glance I darted out, keeping to the walls. It didn’t make sense that in a place that so many crimes were committed that the lighting would be crappy, but at the moment I wasn’t going to think to hard about it.38
During the time I rode down on the elevator another police car had to have shown up. I came to this conclusion because two new officers were roaming around the parking garage.39
I had made it half way across the floor when I encountered one. He was peering under a car when I saw him. I made a quick decision and jumped up on a car bumper. I hoped that the car didn’t have an alarm. When no loud alarm sounded I held myself ready to jump off if the officer stood up.40
The garage was fairly warm and the scent of used oil hung on the air. I wondered why an upscale apartment building would allow oil stains on the floor, but quickly dismissed the thought when I saw the officer stand up.41
I landed lightly behind the car and stayed in the shadows. I could see the entrance. The gray of the false dawn had gone and now a soft glow of the sun’s light reflected off the blacktop. 42
Freedom was only a few yards away and relief flooded through me. Only problem was, the shadows stopped before I got there. From my hiding place I searched for the cops. When I didn’t see them I boldly strolled out into the open.43
With every step my confidence soared. I was going to make it into the light. Maybe that was a little over the top, but I felt a religious experience happening at this time. The light beckoned me, called to me like a junkie’s pull to their drug of choice. I heard early morning birds calling to one another and the impatient horn of workers rushing to work.44
Every step brought me closer. The opening yawned widely. My salvation loomed ahead and I only had a couple of feet to go.45
“Hey Miss!” called a voice deeper in the garage.46
I stopped, frozen in the motion of taking a step. Over my shoulder I watched the cop stalk closer to me. Frantically I racked my brain for a plan. No plan came. I realized that I had better run now. It was a flight or fight situation and flying was the best path.47
“Yes, officer? What can I do for you?” I called, while he was still a distance off. I slung my bag over my shoulder. Secured it in my hand and sprinted towards the entrance without waiting for his answer.48
“Stop!” screamed the cop, as he ran after me.49
I didn’t slow down as I rounded the building. My car was parked around the corner and I ran full speed with the policeman trailing behind me.50
I fumbled with my keys before I hit the door, slid in, started the engine and took off like the devil was hot on my ass. I crossed my fingers that the dried mud still hid my license plate number.51
Out the rear view mirror I watched the blue-suited officer grow smaller and fade.52
Author notes
I liked this one. What do you think?
Thanks eye, edited 7/21/08
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Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Cool frijitas! The suspense in this part was awesome. I like how you transition from her being the professional closer in the previous sections and add in that little bit about her not paying attention when they were learning escape plans because that sounds like someone typically who didn't chose their "job" but had it chosen for them. I give it 4 stars outta 5 and I think you handled this well.
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Oh wow! I love this part! I'm so glad you kept it real with the gloves and suit on, as she slid down the pipe; I was wondering how that was going to work! It was very tense there in the garden, and I already suspect that the cop she saw up there is either not really a cop, or she's being set up. Oh, I must know how it ends!
Edit/comment stuff:
This was placed so that dinner guests could soak up the skyline and appreciate the city below. After dinner, dessert would be served under the stars.4
How does she know dessert is served under the stars?
When I opened the French doors my breath caught in my throat. It was amazing. Tall orange and lemon trees reached up to the skyline. The sun was just breaking and the rays highlighted the mature leaves a bright jungle green.6
Oh, so PRETTY! I want this garden!
Below these fruit trees were full Persian blue butterfly bushes.
What's full, the Persian, or the blue? Or the bush?
my parents’s home,9
parents'
I shook off the memory and peered through the leggy limbs.
Leggy, nice!
but I had no time to wonder long.
no time, wonder long? Isn't is usually one or the other?
I pleaded to the All Mighty
I've only seen it Almighty before
as my forehead had a bead of sweat under my hairline.
This sounds so stationary. The bead isn't going anywhere or getting bigger, it seems like.
The plastic suit chaffed against my bare arms.15
chafed
My palms were sweaty under the latex gloves and it made my grip unstable. It was hard to hold on with my knees in the suit
Such a good description!
I scooted my way around a floral print sofa and the glow of the massive fish aquarium making the flowers stand out brighter against the beige.21
She scoots around the sofa and the glow, I think, but the "making" makes the rest of the sentence after "glow" feel fragmenty and run-on.
I wasn’t confident this would work, but what alternative did I have?30
It seemed to take forever for Raisa to come to this plan. I get that she hadn't done this before, but it really makes her seem indecisive, and after that awesome escape from the penthouse garden, I think it detracts from her character.
He seemed to be satisfied and showed it by tipping his navy blue hat to the car and strolling away. 36
HAHAHA!! Awesome little touch.
Again I was on the balls of my feet waiting.38
A comma or two, maybe? It seemed to read in a rushed way.
From the time I rode down on the elevator another police car had to have shown up. I came to this conclusion because two new officers were roaming around the parking garage.40
"From the time" seems to indicate there will be an "until" following. Maybe "during"?
The gray of the false dawn had gone and now a soft glow of the sun’s light reflected off the blacktop. 43
*puts on shades, the descriptive powers of this tale are so real*
Only problem was the shadows stopped before I got there.
comma after "was"
Franticly I racked my brain
Frantically
while he was still a distant off.
distance off
“Stop!” screamed the cop, as he ran after me.50
What, no "Stop, Police"?
blue suited officer
hyphenated, I think
Well, that was action-packed! On to the next section! I love this story, and crime stories aren't usually my favorite. But this rocks! -
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Thank you for all the wonderful complements (excuse my spelling), they are making my
Typos and other misc items fixed.
Thanks for reading another one.
Brooke
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fantastic
Tried to put this on before but the net cut out. Hope i am not repeating myself. About your work. Man. I hated that telephone. This was an excellent story that had me rivited to the sreen right to the very end. I like the way you used words to create a feeling of anxiety and fear. (I wanted to hold my breathe a few times). The suspense was great and it flowed beautifully. I also learnt something which i am going to look up. eg: persian blue butterfly bushes. I have never heard of them, but then again, I am not a great gardner. Keep up the good work and i will be looking out for more.Well done. -
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Forgive me for taking forever to get back to you, sometimes times just runs out.
Thanks for reading and I'm glad you are enjoying this. I love butterfly bushes.
Brooke
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Entertaining
Very interesting story and very entertaining.I could not stop reading until I reached the end.I hope that there will be more -
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Thanks for stopping by and reading. Glad you enjoyed it.
Brooke
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I can see why you had fun writing this chapter - lots of action and lots of decisions! I like the fact that she thinks quick, but I also like the way she admits (to herself at least) that being caught unawares makes her nervous and brings her a little bit outside of her expertise. It adds a lot to her character.
Notes:
* Para 1: "The red and blues" - I think if you're going to pluralize "blues" you should probably do the same thing with "reds."
* Para 2: "Or hid and hope they don't find me." A couple of things here. First, hid should be hide. Second, this sentences (and the one before) switch into the present tense. And third, this sentence should probably end in a question mark.
* Para 4: "dinner guest" should be plural. Also, I think a comma would be appreciated between "dinner" and "dessert."
* Para 5: "receive my BOTS" - this makes it sound like someone is handing it to her.
I think you meant retrieve?
* Para 6 and 7: Well, you know I'm a sucker for both details and plants... *laughs* I'm not sure this is the point to talk about them, though. I mean she's in the process of running for her life; not many people stop to smell the roses then. Maybe she doesn't really notice her surroundings until she's safely hidden and has time to look around a little? What do you think? And don't you think the police are going to search the terrace? I mean, I would... *laughs*
* Para 9: "parent's home" - I'm assuming you mean "parents's home," but I could be wrong; did she have both parents?
* Para 13: If I had been her, I would have turned off my cell before starting the job - or at least put it on vibrate. Isn't she paranoid that someone in a nearby apartment (maybe the floor below) would have been able to hear it if it rang? Or even someone in a hallway or elevator, if it has such a distinctive right. Or maybe I'm being too paranoid, who knows.
* Para 22: Again, stopping to smell the figurative roses... *laughs* Also, she's still wearing that plastic suit of hers, right? Is she leaving a trail of the vics blood then, too?
* He's a pretty thorough doorman, wow. What if she had just been another apartment owner coming down for an early coffee date and he started pointing guns at her? Someone might sue for emotional distress! *laughs*
* What, no playing along? She probably could have convinced the cops she was out for an early walk. Or if she was wearing the right clothes, maybe she was out for an early run. Sprinting away from the cops looks suspicious in pretty much all circumstances. *laughs*
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You've some good points in there. I think I made the cell phone still on ring because she was so confident. She's never had a problem with the job yet and so she's never taken steps to protect herself.
You're right about the plants and stuff, but I didn't want someone coming in and saying I needed more description and such.
Thanks for again for all these suggestions and fixes.
Brooke
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Terrific writing, fabulous descriptions you make it so we can visualize what’s there or taking place.
Good Morning Brooke, for a first time mystery writer you are creating quite the plot
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Your closer is really a ‘Cleaner upper’ and a young female one at that. You gave the reader a good mental as well as physical description of this character. You really get into her mind and make the reader ‘see’ what she sees and feel her emotions.
In the last segment, she overhead someone talking then something fall, that wasn’t the police? In fact I think I thought it was another murder.
I don’t know if I agree with the way you ended this chapter. It was a conclusion of sorts—our heroine got away? Wait...maybe it isn't the end?
Terrific writing, fabulous descriptions you make it so we can visualize what’s there or taking place.
A couple things to look at:
and I lost by (my) grip a time or two.
As the old saying goes ‘Curiosity killed the cat’, I’m afraid that’s what would happen in (if) the doorman got too nosey.
I would have laughed at (out) loud if I had thought no one would have heard me.37
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Nope, not the conclusion. Would be much of a story really if it was. I'm busy writing the next chapter.
Thanks for pointing out those mistakes and will take care of those right now.
Thanks for reading
Brooke
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Great Story
Your good at evocatly expressing your words. You could tell the closer was on the move, by how your language flowed quickly.
A couple of typos in para 2, hid should be hide.
PARA 36, check in the corner should be (checked in the corner)
Para 17 and para 19 the same thing what Abstract Muse had stated, about the sweaty palms and then all of a sudden she's got gloves on.
Overall a terific story. I'm glad I got to read the first chapter.
Julie
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You mean I missed some more? Wow, I stink Thanks for finding those and I'll take care of them right away
Again thanks for reading.
Brooke
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I see you already did Phil's edits. the only other things I saw were:
p2. hid - hide and hope...
p17. My palms were sweaty and I lost by grip a time or two.
by - my
This sentence also brings up a small discrepancy. Sweaty palms slipping tends to suggest bare hands, while in p19 you say With gloves still on...
Just a random thought
This is a very active chapter, and a rather tense one for our closer. She did a good job of thinking on the fly for not having had to do so before. Having her cell set to ring instead of vibrate was rather foolish for someone in her profession, but added another tense moment none the less. I bet she won't do it again. *laughs*
Good descriptions throughout to put you at the scene with her.
She was on the move the whole time and it was easy to follow.
She's not quite out of the woods yet though. Surely the cop called in a description of the car, even without a license no., as soon as she took off.
Great chapter. Your pretty good at this genre for first time trying it. Can't wait to see what happens next.
Greg
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Very good point, I'll have to change that. Hmmmm....
Thanks Greg. I am having fun writing this and it's not as hard as fantasy is. But true to my nature I'm adding a little supernatural into it. Oops
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'graph 8: chook or cook?
'graph 10: Movement near the window (caught) my attention
'graph 13: I couldn't (imagine) who it...
'graph 13: since it was still (l)ate or early,
'graph 14: I pleaded to the All Might(y)
'graph 16: The op(e)ning hooked...
'graph 19: people would be l(a)x on security.
'graph 22: (I) took this in at a glance...
'graph 23: and (a) variety of potted plants
'graph 27: Not paying attention to escape plans during training was bad!!!! LOL
'graph 32: i(f) the doorman got to(o) (nosey).
'graph 34: Sw(e)at ran between my shoulder blades
'graph 35: I(n) all the 'closing" I'd done
'graph 36: tipping his nav(y) blue hat
'graph 38: The vials were insul(a)ted,
'graph 44: Only problem was the shadows (s)topped
'graph 45: Maybe that was (a) little over the top
'graph 51: (I) didn't slow down
Yes, I liked this chapter very much....very curious...the cops were there in a hurry...especially since no one was alive to call in a murder and presumably no one heard any shots. I fear bad things are in order for our heroine. I'm liking this a lot. It's such a different genre for you...at least it seems to be from what I've read of yours in the past. It's good to branch out and try something new occasionally. Excellent work! Can't wait to read more.
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OMG!!! I can't believe I had that many typos. It's amazing what spell check doesn't pick up.
Thanks for reading and I'm having a really good time writing this. It's almost easier then my usual stuff.
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You know, if you look at the typos, they're words that spell check wouldn't catch. For example: Swat ran between my shoulder blades. SWAT! That could be difficult to explain! LOL
Or, the vials were insulted...don't piss off the vials!
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Hahahaha, ok no pissing off the vials. And yep, could see where some of those would pass by spell check. Thanks again
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